Two kids and an anxious brain.

If you read my most recent post (which I am sure you did, because my blog is totally awesome), you’ll know that Ben initially struggled accepting Hudson. He didn’t like that the baby brother he had wanted for so long, was actually going to hang around. It was one of the biggest challenges we faced the first week.

Well I am proud and happy to say that things have definitely changed in a massive way. He now won’t leave his side! He wants to hold him, kiss him, give him high fives, hold him, try to feed him, help bath him, hold him, and did I mention hold him? He absolutely loves him, and I absolutely love them. I love watching their bond grow each day!

BUT, two kids is NOT easy! Although they’re getting along which makes everything so much easier, when they both need me at the same time and my anxiety is triggered, all I want to do is run away. The pressure is too much and often feels restrictive.

There have been many times over the last month where Hudson is crying for his milk, and Ben wants me to help with his Lego. Or Hudson needs to be changed and Ben wants me to ‘look at this’. Or Hudson is crying because he can’t poo and Ben needs his bum wiped after a poo.

Let’s chuck in a whole list of things that I NEED to do like wash bottles, cook dinner, laundry, shower, eat, finish my coffee, plan a birthday party, write a blog, poo. My list is never ending and although I “have the same hours in the day as Beyonce” I don’t have a cleaner, chef, personal trainer or nanny! I need to find time to keep our world moving.

So when everyone needs me at once, where do I go first? My anxious brain tells me that I should be writing a list. My stomach tells me to eat some chocolate… or poo. But my heart tells me that my kids need me so they come first. But which one? The one that got in first! If Ben needed me first, Hudson can wait. If Hudson cried first, Ben needs to be patient. And if I decide to ignore them both while I finish my coffee, as long as they’re not in danger, then that’s what I’ll do. That’s my rule. Or at least the rule I seem to be making up as I type.

I may not be very good at it, but staying calm when everything feels like it’s going to shit is the only way I won’t end up with mama guilt. Because if I let the tough times get to me and I end up yelling, screaming or crying, I’ll regret it instantly once both boys have what they need. That hurts a lot more than a panic attack!

Having anxiety is not easy. It can control your life. It can ruin your life. It doesn’t go away and it’s never cured. It’s managed. Having two kids has brought out the best and worst in me, but as I slowly find my feet and settle into a routine (and try to accept that I can’t do it all- and at once) I feel like I am taking back control of my life.

Look at me, doing this ‘mama of two’ thing with calmness!

Kat x

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