36 weeks pregnant and the fear has started to set in.

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It’s so hard to believe that in just over two weeks, our second little man will be joining our family. It feels like so long ago that we first found out I was pregnant, and now we’re going to be a family of four in just a few weeks.

I am actually suddenly quite terrified.

After having what I call a traumatic experience the first time around, I wanted to do whatever I could to make sure this pregnancy was a positive one. From the very first appointment with my GP to my most recent obstetrician appointment last week, I have been in complete control.

Things that I changed this time:

  • I asked to have a caesarean.
  • I made it clear to every doctor I spoke to at every appointment that I didn’t want another dangerous and traumatic 37 hour labour.
  • I’ve kept in contact with my amazing GP and naturopath even though I’m not shared care (meaning every appointment is at/with the hospital).
  • I have made sure I am treated like a person, not a number.
  • I will be the one to choose between breastfeeding and formula.
  • I have always been aware of the size of the baby, unlike last time.
  • When I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and felt I had received little explanation or support, I demanded to speak to the endocrinologist before starting any type of insulin.
  • I haven’t let anyone negatively influence what I eat, because diabetes could be part of my life if I’m not careful.
  • I have asked as many questions as I can, even the ones that seem silly, and I have taken notes. (My blue folder weighs about 5kgs but that’s OK.)
  • I have not taken any advice from other mums unless I asked them.
  • I have made time for myself.
  • I have started to blog!
  • I have kept physically active the whole time.
  • I have rarely taken any naps.
  • I’ve made time for the outdoors. Whether it be hiking, swimming, or exploring the city, I have made a point of getting out there as much as I can with my boys.

These small changes have allowed me to feel in control. I feel settled. I wouldn’t say that I have enjoyed it, but I can say that it has been easier. I feel good and most importantly, I’ve managed to stay on top of my anxiety throughout.

With just over two weeks to go, everything is ready. The room is done and my bags are packed. I’ve finished work and have my final hospital appointments and scans all locked in. I’ve had my hair done and have a sneaky massage lined up for this week. The car seat is in and the pram is in the boot. I have locked away a day to give the house its final clean and a time to fill up the pantry and freezer for those first few weeks. I’ve bought brand new comfy loose clothes for post op and even treated myself to new socks (I never buy new socks).

I don’t exactly know why though, but the fear set in during this last week. It could be because there’s not much left on the ‘baby to do list’ or because my caesar date was confirmed. It could also be because I am physically unable to do most things so don’t feel as strong as I normally do. Maybe it’s just because there are some things I don’t have control over.

What I’m scared of:

  • The actual caesarean.
  • The epidural.
  • Not feeling my body for the first 12 hours.
  • Feeling nauseous.
  • The post op pain.
  • Being without my boys at the hospital.
  • The possibility of having to stay for longer than 3 nights at the hospital.
  • The hospital food.
  • Not having that connection with the baby (if you read my earlier blog post “I’m not glowing, I’m sweating” you’ll know that I actually didn’t like Ben at all for about 24 hours).
  • Ben not liking the baby.
  • Ben feeling neglected.
  • What if something goes wrong?
  • Being pressured into breastfeeding even though I will be the one to make that choice.
  • The house being a mess when I come home.
  • Feeling isolated and alone like last time.

Although I am so excited to hold my new boy in my arms, give his soft cheeks a kiss, smell his hair, watch Ben hold his hands and see the smile on my husband’s face, I am scared. I am scared because it’s a big deal. Having a baby is a big deal. It’s not for one day, it’s for life. It changes your life. Everything changes.

I know it’s OK to be scared, but I’m not normally one to admit it so this feeling of vulnerability is new to me. I may be strong but even the strong need to be told sometimes that everything will be OK. I need to trust that I am exactly where I need to be, and that this fear is completely normal.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow but I do now that I am ready, and the moment my new family of four come together, that my life will be complete. And that’s enough to keep me going through this fear.

Kat x

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