When I found out that I was pregnant with a boy the first time around, I was so excited. Although I hoped no matter the gender that our baby was healthy, inside I was over the moon because I could only ever see myself as a mum to a boy. I’m not a girly girl and I don’t really like glitter or anything pink. I love sports and the outdoors and would much rather play with cars than with dolls so a boy suited me much better.
Ben was practically the perfect baby and the perfect toddler. Working part time, I had a lot a lot of quality time with him where we’d do anything from play in the mud, collect rocks, explore new playgrounds or kick the ball around at the soccer ground. I helped him overcome many fears including making new friends, starting kinder, and getting through some scary thunder storms. I was also there when he’d get sick, with really high fevers or bad coughs.
It was essentially just us two during the day and although exhausting most of the time because I needed to also fit ‘be a housewife’ in there somewhere and get food on the table and keep a tidy house, I absolutely loved that I was his go to, and I was needed. We were besties!
When I found out that I was pregnant with my second son a few months back, my life was truly made. Having two boys would complete our little family and I was so excited that Ben would have a same gender sibling. He was excited too and really embraced the pregnancy from the beginning.
Being pregnant, there’s only so much I can do physically. I spent the first 25 odd weeks on the couch with severe nausea. The exhaustion then set in and finally now, in the third trimester at 34 weeks, I am physically restricted in so many ways. I can’t play in the mud or bend over to collect rocks. I can’t run around a playground or play soccer for too long.
To make sure he didn’t feel neglected, we made sure to explain to Ben everything that pregnancy and a new baby brings with it, right from the beginning. We explained that “mama has a baby in her tummy” which means that until the doctors take him out, “mama needs her rest and she can’t play like she used to”. And although he’s such a kind hearted empathetic boy that I know he gets it, I know he doesn’t actually like it. He’s getting more and more impatient and just wants his mama back.
And so over the last few weeks, he’s grown distant. He prefers his dad over me for almost everything, and I know it’s only going to get worse once the baby comes.
Don’t get me wrong, my husband has always been there for Ben. They hang out and play all the time, go to Bunnings together, play soccer and talk about soccer ALL DAY EVERYDAY together, and he’s always been the one Ben calls for in the middle of the night if he hears noises. He’s also the one who taught him the alphabet and how to count to 100 amongst many other things. A lot of Ben’s intelligence is because of his dad.
But this is different. He’s getting all the cuddles and the kisses. He’s giving the medicine and kissing the ‘ouches’. Everything Ben would normally turn to me for, he’s now going to his dad. Not only does he count down during the day until his dad gets home from work, but once he’s home, I am practically non-existent. He ignores me when I talk to him, and doesn’t come to me for anything. When they’re together, I’m invisible.
I absolutely love and adore their new closer bond, and watch them cuddle on the couch with such love and pride, but I miss my boy. I miss being his ‘go to’ and his bestie. I guess I’m just jealous, and needed to blog about it to realise that it’s OK. He doesn’t hate me; he’s just turning into a daddy’s boy which I know is totally normal.
I know it’ll get worse before it can get better as once the baby comes, I will naturally take on the main role with him meaning less time with Ben. But I’m looking forward to the day where I can finally be myself again and I can hang out with all three of my boys, because I know no matter what, they’ll always need me!
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