I miss you while you sleep.

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I’m definitely the type of mum that will play soccer for two hours straight, do arts and crafts all afternoon, bake a cake at 7am because Ben “reeeeeeeally wants a chocolate and vanilla cake”, venture outdoors to the park, plant a new tree, go for a bike ride, or go to the museum.

But I also work three days a week, run an online kids clothing store, try to keep a clean and tidy house, do the laundry, iron, prepare kinder lunches, give baths, cut toenails, cook, do the grocery shopping, manage the family calendar and basically make sure everything that needs doing, gets done.

I’ve also recently started looking after myself, so I shower every now and then, get my eyebrows done, aim to routinely see my naturopath, and do some ASOS online shopping before bed, in-between checking my fav Instagram feeds. I’ve also made it a priority to see those that I love a lot more.Oh, and I now blog.

It’s safe to say, I try to be everything to everyone, and I normally power through. But I’m 30 weeks pregnant. I’m definitely not that superwoman I used to be, and my energy levels are subsiding each day.

So on #WednesdayFunday (my day off from work and Ben’s day off from kinder) at about 3pm when I’ve completely run out of steam because I’ve spent the day running around ticking things off the daily ‘to do list’ while trying to answer some work emails so Thursday isn’t so crazy busy, and I’ve played two soccer matches and built some Lego, all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch whatever reality tv show I have lined up on our Foxtel IQ.

There’s one problem though- Ben wants us to build Jurassic World in the toy room.

You see, he used to nap at around 2-3pm each day for about an hour. And while other mums would be surprised that he still napped at his age, I loved the late afternoon break when I could switch over from Nick Jr to Arena and have my second coffee. So I never encouraged him not to nap.

These days though, our 3pm sounds something like this:

Me: “Ben, are you going to have a nap today?”

Ben: “Nope!”

Me: “But I’m so tired baby, maybe I’ll have a rest while you watch some TV.”

Ben: “OK, I’ll let you rest mama, but only for a little bit.”

Me: “Thanks buddy, Love you!”

Two minutes later:

Ben: “Mum, want to see how hard I can kick the ball? Watch this! Who’s number 15 for Victory again? I’m going to be a policeman now! When’s daddy coming home? Mum are you watching? You know that the T Rex is almost as big as this house?! I want to play on the computer! Mum, can I have a chocolate? Mum! Want to play with me?”

This kid is crazy.

While this is going on, I’m on the couch hiding under the blanket, forcing a quick 10 minute power nap so I can recharge and get through the next few hours. I love that kid more than life itself. He’s my best friend and I could not think of anyone else I’d rather hang out with. But while I’m under that blanket, I’m secretly praying that he’s found his teddy (comfort toy), gotten comfortable on the couch and dozed off.

90% of the time I drag myself up and make that second coffee ready to take into the toy room with me, but sometimes, I look up from the blanket and see that he’s out. Fast asleep.

I don’t know what it is but at that moment, while I cover him with the blanket, a huge wave of guilt comes over me. I should have played a little more, I should have watched him kick that ball, and I should have asked him more about his beloved dinosaurs. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting a little break. I am a damn good mum, and I normally don’t stop until he does! But I genuinely hate myself for wanting him to nap.

As I sit there next to him watching him sleep and in awe of just how beautiful he is, I remind myself that kids are resilient and he’ll be as happy as ever when he wakes up. He won’t remember those 10 or so minutes that I ignored him, so why do they bother me so much?

We put so much pressure on ourselves as mums that we forget why we do what we do. Our kids are healthy, happy, safe, clothed and fed, surrounded by love, warmth and a home full of laughs. That’s all because of us! We did that! So why do we beat ourselves up if we take off the superwoman cape for a bit and put our feet up? I guess it’s just part of being a mum, but we really do need to give ourselves a break sometimes- literally.

My little man, I’m trying to be the best mum I can be, and I promise you my energy will return soon enough, but right now, I need a break sometimes. Just know that I love you and ALWAYS miss you while you sleep.

Kat x

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